She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize