you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
