I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
