pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
