she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
