dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
