I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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