At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
