thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
