Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
