paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
