Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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