and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
