he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
