I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
