Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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