from now on my penis is your penis
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
