I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
