apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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