I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
