I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
