she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
