she looked like the before picture.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
