My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
