when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
