My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
