wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
as a side note pls kill me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
