There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
