It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
