my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
