Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
