Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
