Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize