i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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