Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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