His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
