No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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