Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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