dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
a search helicopter?!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
