Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize