I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
