I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
