I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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