Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
