The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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