Your face is a jimmy john
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
