And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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