im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
