I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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