my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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