i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We have started to decorate penises.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
