I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
