Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
