Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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