I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
