Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
