Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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