Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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